Running on Empty.

What happens when you put your heart into something, work hard to achieve a goal and it doesn't work out? I learned what happens first hand this weekend as the Paris Marathon went off, a marathon that I was suppose to be running and I was watching from the sidelines.




It all started Wednesday, I went to bed not feeling so well and woke up in the middle of the night sweating profusely with severe back pain and I was burning up, something was not right. Thursday morning, Kyle quickly took me to see the doctor, and the words that I heard put my heart in my throat, I had a bad kidney infection, just three days before the marathon, the marathon I've been training 16 weeks to run. I was so scared; a.) because kidney problems run in my family and b.) kidney problems to a runner can be career ending. I was given three different types of medication and I was now my road to recovery. I couldn't wait to get out of the doctors office because I didn't want her to see me cry, I got into the car and let it out, I was devastated because I knew in the back of my head my fate of being a 2012 Paris Marathon Finisher was slim to none.

Thank god for Kyle, being a professional athlete he knew how hard I've trained for this one race, so he said, "Lets see how you feel in the morning and then we'll decide." But he knew that it was a no go, but he was sensitive about it, his main focus was getting me healthy.

I woke up Friday morning and I had my answer, I still felt awful and as I packed my bag for Paris, there were no running shoes, running shorts, or watch, they would stay behind. I hopped on the train to Paris to meet my sister and friend, who were flying in to France to be here for the marathon, that four hour train ride gave me plenty of time to think and reflect about the events that unfolded so quickly and that were out of my control. I thought I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be running, these things happen, sometimes it's just not in the cards. I even told myself that I'll feel better once Sunday rolls around and I could watch the marathon as a spectator, I couldn't of been more wrong.

Marathon Sunday arrived and I woke up feeling more sad then the days before, I looked out the window and saw runners walking to the starting point, I wanted that to be me so bad. We headed outside after the race had already started, I walked over to part of the race route, looked for a minute and then felt overwhelmed. I quickly turned away as Kyle, my sister and friend were still looking on, tears began to well up behind my sunglasses, I was trying to keep it together but I failed. Kyle came up behind me and I again let it out, seeing those runners, running on the road to finishing their journey of 26.2 miles, hurt so bad. I trained 16 weeks for one race, one moment and here I was watching thousands of other people doing it, except myself.

I pulled myself together to enjoy the rest of our day in Paris and it wasn't until my train ride home, when I began to talk about what had happened this weekend with Kyle, that I had total closure. I told Kyle how just looking at those other runners made my heart hurt and he had the perfect response. He said, "That's not a bad feeling, that shows how much you love the challenge of running 26.2 miles, it's the feeling of being alive. So focus on getting healthy and then we will sit and figure out when your next marathon will be and the Paris Marathon isn't going anywhere, we can come back here in twenty years and you'll still be running marathons."

I needed that, and he was right, seeing that race gave me such a genuine feeling and made me realize how much I love running. With that said, I will leave with a quote from one of my favorite books, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, a book I go to whenever I need to find some confidence or motivation.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.
Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture.